We must first be doing all we can to obey God’s commandment
found in Genesis 2:24
“Therefore shall a man leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one
flesh."
The reason why we must first
cleave unto our spouse is because when we keep this commandment we will be
blessed and God will help us keep the commandment to honor our parents while
cleaving unto our spouse.
“The Oxford English Dictionary
defines cleave as “to remain
attached, devoted to, or faithful to,” and “to remain steadfast.” Thus, in cleaving to spouses, newly married
couples are to be devoted, faithful, and steadfast to their new companion”
(Harper & Olsen, p. 327).
Marvin J. Ashton helps clarify
how we should cleave unto our spouse, while still honoring our parents in the
following quote.
“Certainly a now-married man
should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort and total
support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never
intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of
strength…. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families,
realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination,
control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and
encouragement”(Harper & Olsen, p. 327).
How do we cleave unto our spouse
and develop a strong marriage, but still remain loyal to our previous families
and have good relationships with them? I
have come up with a list of things to help couples do this from the
book, Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by
"The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Chapter 37: Creating Healthy
Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families."
·
Cleave unto your spouse and develop a close relationship.
President Kimball counsels couples to
o
Confide in and
counsel with spouse, not parents.
o
If possible
establish their household.
o
Both spouses should
prayerfully consider outside counsel.
·
Put your
spouse first. Our marriages must
come first and foremost. Above our
parents and our children. (I struggle with this one.
I need to be better at putting my husband above my children and mom).
o
President Kimball taught, referring to Genesis
2:24, “She, the woman, occupies the first place. She is preeminent, even above the parents who
are so dear to all of us. Even the
children must take their proper place. I
have seen some women who give their children that spot, that preeminence, in
their affection and crowd out the father.
That is a serious mistake.” (This applies to
husbands as well).
·
Create a marital
identity; “It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as
existing together inside an invisible fence.
They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence,
and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside
that fence-not with future children and certainly not with parents of
parents-in-law” (Harper & Olsen, p.328).
(This is a big one I
am working on being better about. Due to
some big issues in my marriage, that caused a separation 2 years ago, I have
had to go to my parents for support, but now I am struggling with putting up my
fence again. However, I know how
important this is and will continue to work at it until there are no more holes
in our fence.)
·
Beware of triangulation:
having a stronger relationship with parents than with your spouse. Do not go to parents with problems. Go to your spouse.
·
Decide how much time you will spend with each of your families and when. Then let
your parents know what you came up with, in a loving way, and explain that you
love them very much, but your marriage and new little family must come first. (I was giving
really good advice by my young women’s advisor.
She said, “We all only have a certain amount of time. We must decide how we are going to spend it
and with whom”).
·
Husband and wife must accept that they came from
different homes and different ways of doing things. Enjoy
the differences. “Difference is something that can be anticipated and even
looked forward to because of its potential for creating growth in family
members (Harper & Olsen, p.330).”
This especially applies to dealing with in-laws too. Accept the differences between you and them
and enjoy them. (I have really had to work on accepting differences
with my mother-in-law and to love her and appreciate those differences).
·
Develop
your own traditions. Together decide what traditions you want to keep or
mix and match and come up with your own new
family traditions.
·
Develop a
close relationship with in-laws.
o
Accept differences.
o
Remember that your in-laws raised your spouse
and you love him or her.
o
Use Prayer, fasting, and long-suffering to
overcome big differences.
o
Be polite, dignified, and respectful at all
family gatherings.
o
Call in-laws, got to lunch with them. Try to develop a relationship with them.
·
If there are problems with in-laws, approach
them together.
I believe that if we follow this counsel we will be able to
follow both of God’s commandments to cleave unto our spouses and honor our
parents. Both of which will bring us
many blessings.
Spouse Comes First
Little Family Second
Then Extended Family
Harper,
J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws
and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, &
D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and
practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World"
(pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.
No comments:
Post a Comment