Week 12: Keeping a strong marriage while raising children through sharing the power and counseling together.

Blog- Week 12: Keeping a strong marriage while raising children through sharing the power and counseling together. 

Mark and I say often that our children have brought us more joy than we could have ever imagined.  However, parenting has also been very difficult.  We have a 10-year-old daughter, followed by 2 little boys ages, 7 and 5.  Our daughter is very mellow and sweet.  She was the easiest toddler and child.  Parenting her has been pretty simple.  Then we got our blonde, blue eyed, little boy.  He is cute as can be and FULL of ENERGY!  He literally has kept us on our toes since he was 6 months old.  Just yesterday we had three men come over to home teach us from the stake and all three said multiple times, “Man where does that energy come from.” We would be rich if we got a dollar for every time someone said that to us.  My son is also such a fun, sweet, loving, little boy and we adore him.  However, he has helped us grow so much as parents and as people.  We have had to seek professional help in how to parent him.  Most importantly Mark and I have learned we have to work together in parenting him and all our children.  Our next little boy, our youngest is pretty easy too, but still an active little boy. 

           

Mark and I have learned many things on our journey together as husband and wife and as partners in parenting.

First, we know that the best things we can give our children are two parents who love and support each other.  In order to do that, we have to keep our marriage strong while raising our children.  Part of keeping our marriage strong while parenting is going on a weekly date night, nurturing our fondness and admiration for one another, and being there for each other as I have previously discussed.

Secondly, Dr. Gottman has found that 67 percent of wives’ marital satisfaction drops when they have a baby.  However, 33 percent of wives transition into parenthood unscathed.  His research shows that in order to transition to parenthood easily is simple.  The husband and wife, mother and father, need to enter parenthood completely together.  He gives the following advice to keep the marriage strong and parent together:

·      Focus on your marital friendship

·      Don’t exclude Dad from baby[child/teen] care

·      Let Dad be baby’s [child/teen] playmate

·      Carve out time for the two of you

·      Be sensitive to Dad’s need

·      Give mom a break (Gottma, 2015, p.218-22)

Mark and I have both been fully involved in raising our children since day one.  Like I said our children have brought us incredible joy.  We both love and adore our children and love to play with them.  However, we both watch out for when the other needs a break and try to support one another in our daily responsibilities and offer each other breaks when needed.

Lastly, parenting does have difficulties.  In order to face those difficulties and succeed as a couple and as a family, couples need to work through problems together.  Dr. Richard Miller taught, “Parents are leaders in the Family.”  However, they should not “be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial.”  They should guide and direct- set limits, to what children can and can’t do.  This is love.  Children also need a healthy dose of the vitamin N, NO.  He also taught that “parents must me united in their leadership.”   Parents need to work together, support one another, discus issues away from the children, love and respect each other, and hold each other in the highest esteem (2009).

Mark and I often talk about what we can do differently and better in parenting our children.  We want to begin implementing the following strategies from Elder Ballard’s talk, “Counseling with our Councils” to help us brainstorm ideas and come up with decisions in total harmony that will bless our marriage and family.

·      Meet weekly to talk about what is going on in our marriage, family, and life.  We will discuss what is going right, what is not, and what changes need to be made. 

·      Have an agenda that we have added to through out the week of what needs to be discussed

·      While counseling we need to

o   Seek to have the spirit lead and guide us

o   Listen to the point of view of the other and strive to create the proper climate.

o   Don’t interrupt one another.

o   Don’t push ideas- determine what is best for family

·      Begin with a prayer and invite the spirit to lead and guide us

·      Read, ponder, and consider each item on the agenda

·      Express our love and concern for each other

·      Each expresses our thoughts and feelings.  We each have total freedom to express ourselves.

·      Speak when moved upon by the spirit

·      Strive to feel manifestations of the spirit, which may necessitate a change of our own thoughts and feelings so we can be in harmony. 

·      Seek unity

·      Ask for recommendations

·      If there are any objections keep working together until we find harmony

·      Decisions should be made in harmony, unity, and faith with combined judgment of each member in harmony with the spirit.

Elder Ballard finished by saying, “I have seen differences in opinion presented in these deliberations…. But I have never observed serious discord or personal enmity among the brethren-but observed a beautiful and remarkable things-the coming together, under the directing influence of the Holy Spirit and under the power of revelation of divergent views until there is total harmony and full agreement.”

I know that if Mark and I follow the above formula for how the brethren counsel together to make important decisions we will grow closer together and our family will be immensely blessed.

M. Russell Ballard (1997) “Counseling With Your Councils.” Chapter 2

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work (2^nd ed).  New York, NY: Harmony books.   

Richard B. , “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.