Week 11: Intimacy in Marriage is Beautiful and Sacred

I am so grateful to have grown up in a home where physical intimacy was not talked about in a negative way, but in a sacred and beautiful way.  I saw my parents be affectionate with each other and knew they were very comfortable with their sexuality just by how they acted toward one another and their own bodies.  My parents taught us to be careful and avoid steady dating until we were ready to marry because sex drives are strong when dating and you need to be ready and mature enough to protect those urges and save them for marriage.  They taught us that sexual intimacy is beautiful and wonderful when married.  I never saw sex as a bad thing.  I always looked forward to getting married and being able to have an intimate physical relationship with my husband. 

I was also able to talk to my parents about sexual things.  Soon after I became engaged to my husband I realized just how strong my natural desires for my husband were becoming.  John Taylor said, “Well, he [God] has planted, in accordance with this, a natural desire in women towards man, and in man towards women and a feeling of affection, regard, and sympathy exists between the sexes.”  This is definitely true.  However, I was not yet married and knew this desire was meant to be fully used in marriage.  I called my dad and told him that these desires were becoming really strong.  We had a great talk and my dad laid some ground rules for me to help me control those desires.  I am so grateful I was able to call my dad and talk to him about such personal things.  I know that talk helped my husband and I make it to the temple worthily. It also allowed us to have a fun, special, and beautiful physical relationship after we were married.

Later, the week before I got married my fiancé and I were talking to my mom in her room one afternoon.  We were all sitting on her bed discussing wedding plans and life.  Later, after my fiancé had left, my mom said to me something like, “Aren’t you so excited to be married and just lay together in bed and not have to be so careful anymore, but be free to love him with all your heart.  Sex is wonderful.”  At the time I did not know how lucky I was to have such an awesome mom who helped getting married and becoming one with my husband as God has commanded us to, to be such a fun, exciting, wonderful, and beautiful experience.  I never felt bad or uncomfortable not even on our wedding night.  Sex was guilt free for me as God intends it to e when married.  I knew the following to be true with all my heart:

 “Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose” (-Elder Richard G. Scott, Ensign, Nov. 1994, 38.)

I also love the following quote from Brent A. Barlow talking about how as a church we believe in Sexuality.

“We believe in it inasmuch as we know of the sorrow that comes from the inappropriate use of sexuality outside the realm of marriage. We are acutely aware of what the prophets, past and present, have warned in these matters. As Alma declared to his son Corianton, “Wickedness never was happiness.” (Alma 41:10).  But we also believe in the good that can be derived from the appropriate use of intimacy in marriage. We are well aware of the joy and unity that can come to a married couple when this particular dimension of the marital relationship is nurtured.”

I also know that sexual intimacy is very sacred and requires the utmost sensitivities between husband and wife.  They need to communicate to each other their feelings, fears, and apprehensions, what they like, what makes them feel loved and special.  What makes them feel uncomfortable or not special.  When couples talk about their sexual relationship it can become more sacred, beautiful, and special.  Not talking about it is where problems occur.  The following quotes are perfect for keeping physical intimacy sacred and special.

“Tenderness and respect–never selfishness–must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord”( President Howard W. Hunter, Ensign, Nov. 1994, 51)”

“Within marriage, however, the stimulations of those emotions can either be used as an end unto itself or to allow a couple to draw close in oneness through the beautiful, appropriate expression of these feelings between husband and wife. There are times, brethren, when you need to restrain you feelings. There are times when you need to allow their  full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage.”

-Richard G. Scott, “The Sanctity of Womanhood,” Ensign, May 2000, 37; emphasis added.

Lastly keep sexual intimacy sacred, beautiful, and pure.  Beware of pornography.  Keep it out of your marriage and your family.  If you or your spouse struggle with it get help.  Don’t give up, but seek help!  Begin by attending the church’s Pornography, Addiction Recovery Program, for the addict and the spouse, talk with your bishop, reach out to support groups locally, over the phone, Skype et cetera.  There are many people who struggle and deal with this.  You are not alone.  I believe with all my heart in the Healing and strengthening power of the Atonement.  There is nothing that is too powerful or strong that we cannot overcome through the power of the Atonement and our Savior’s unconditional love for us.

“Be faithful in your marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed….Pornography, flirtations, and unwholesome fantasies erode one’s character and strike at the foundation of a happy marriage.  Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed”( President Howard W. Hunter, Conference Report, Oct 1994

Blog – L11- Intimacy in marriage is beautiful and sacred

Barlow, B. A. "They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on intimacy in marriage,": Thoughts on intimacy in marriage", Ensign, Sept 1986, 49.

Faml 300-Quotes-Phy Intimacy.ppt The following slides in PowerPoint provide prophetic counsel on physical intimacy in marriage.

Week # 10:  Charity is essential to marriage

What is charity and what does it have to do with marriage? “Charity is the pure love of Christ”(Moroni 7:47).  Imagine how wonderful our marriages would be if we all had charity and loved our spouses as Christ does!

We have learned that all marriages face challenges and difficulties.  We all have weaknesses.  In order to have happy marriages we need to have charity, we need to be able to overlook one another’s shortcomings and look for and see the good.  How do we do that though? We strive every day to have charity for one another and love as Christ does.

Marvin J. Ashton teaches us what daily charity looks like.  He said, “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.  Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcoming; having patience with someone who has let us down” (Goddard, 2009, p.116).

This is something I really need to work on.  Way too many times I do not remain silent when my husband bugs me or lets me down.  I make sure I point out exactly what he needs to improve on.  However, this does not help him improve.  It only makes him feel bad, get angry, and drives a wedge between us.  People may think that pointing out what our partner’s should work on, or criticizing them, helps them and helps them meet our needs.  This is simply not true and is selfish.  Just today my husband made a choice that I was kind of upset about.  I felt let down.  I immediately went to say some critical things, but I remembered this principle, bit my tongue, and walked away!

Gottman’s quote helped me. He said, “All criticism is painful.  Unlike complaints-specific requests for change- criticism doesn’t make a marriage better.  It inevitably makes it worse” (2015, p.282).  I have really struggled with criticism in my marriage and as a mother.  I have tried to not be so critical and to be more loving, kind, and charitable, but I have struggled to improve.  Gottman helps me know how to improve.  He says, “Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism and it’s deadly cousin, contempt”(2015,p.283).  He suggests the following exercise to foster thanksgiving:

“For an entire week, offer your spouse at least one genuine, heartfelt praise each day.” If you do this, “you’ll receive a great gift: You will become less critical of yourself.  Grace and forgives will enter your world”(Gottman, 2015, p. 284). 

What a powerful gift to have.  I noticed that the week when I really focused on nurturing fondness and admiration for my husband that my love for him had grown.  I ignored the things that bugged me and focused on all the good things he had done.  I know this is a true principle.

But what if we do this and it still isn’t enough?  Goddard has the perfect answer. Have Charity, the pure love of Christ, seeing others as Christ sees them.  But how do we do this? 

We find the answer in The Book of Mormon in Moroni 7:48: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ….”

We must pray with all our heart to obtain charity and be a true follower of Christ.  We also need to turn our lives over to Christ and let Him heal us and change us.  Through Him we can do all things, including loving and seeing others as He does. 

Gottman has also found, that all marriages have perpetual problems that will not be able to be solved.  However, we can still be happy in our marriages as we learn to share our hopes and dreams with one another and help each other fulfill those dreams even if they differ from our own dreams.  When we are charitable to our partners we are both blessed.  Gottman encourages spouses to listen to one another’s deep feelings that are connected to the perpetual problem.  He says as couples listen to each other and try to support one another’s feelings, hopes, and dreams they are able to deal with these differences.  He says, “In a happy marriage, neither spouse insists that the other give up their dream or attempts to manipulate them.  They work it out as a team, taking into account each other’s wishes and desires…. The point is that their concept of their marriage incorporates supporting both of these dreams.  The way they go about making such decisions - with mutual respect for and acknowledgement of each other’s aspiration- is part of what makes their relationship so meaningful to them” (2015, p.240). 

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Eternal doctrine that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work (2^nd ed).  New York, NY: Harmony books.   

Blog – W9: Overcoming problems in Marriage through Consecration, Forgiveness and humor.

Marriage is one of the greatest ways to become more like our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He gave everything for us with no thought about what He would get in return.  We can follow His example in our marriages.  Goddard taught, “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve” (2009, p. 110).  Most partners today worry too much about what their spouse is or isn’t doing for them instead of being anxiously engaged for the comfort and well being of their spouse. 
President Hinckley taught, “I have long felt that happiness in marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.  That involves a willingness to overlook weaknesses and mistakes”(Ensign, 2005).  

Every marriage faces difficulties because we are human and have annoying faults and weaknesses.  For example, I struggle with losing my patience.  I need to be much better at keeping my cool.  This week I read an amazing article titled, “Agency and Anger,” by Elder Lynn G. Robbins Of the Seventy.  In the article he explained that we choose to be angry or not.  He said people try to separate anger from agency, but that is wrong.  We always have a choice to become angry or not. 

“Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives. We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: “I will never become angry again”(Elder Robbins).

This statement was really eye opening for me and humbling.  I will be taking my agency back and controlling my anger for my families sake and for myself.  Marriage requires us to become better people.  I am grateful I have a forgiving husband who overlooks my weaknesses and loves me unconditionally. 

One of the best ways I can give everything to my marriage is to overcome my petty perfectionistic ways that makes me demand a lot out of my husband.  Instead, I can focus on loving him unconditionally, serving him, and overcoming my struggle with anger.  This will be really hard for me. 

However, Goddard’s following quote was perfect for me.  He said, “Rather than carefully tracking every investment in our marriage, we give gladly and wholeheartedly.  We give everything we have and are.  And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more” (2009, p. 107).  I love this.  I believe with all my heart that God can and will increase my capacity to do better than I am and help me be able to give more, but I have to ask for His help and work towards it.  

Another really important part of having a happy marriage is practicing the principle of forgiveness.  Gottman said, “For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments.  This can be hard to do, but it is well worth it.  When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit” (2015, p. 159).  I know this is true.  Marriage cannot last without forgiveness, but when both partners practice daily forgiveness marriage can and will thrive.  Through our Savior we can be healed from all wrongs against us and find the ability to forgive, which will fill us with peace, love, and true joy.  My marriage is a powerful example that this principle is true. 

“Research found that 86 percent of those who reported being unhappy in their marriages, but who did not divorce, five years later described their marriage as either “very happy” or “quite happy” (Goddard, 2009, p. 108).  The power of forgiveness!

Lastly a key component to dealing with differences and problems in our marriages is to deal with our problems with humor.  Regarding happily married couples Gottman said, “Through the course of their marriage, they had learned to view their partner’s shortcomings and oddities as amusing parts of the whole package” (2015, p. 158).  Try to find humor in some of the annoying things your spouse does.  You and your spouse will be much happier if you can laugh about things instead of getting angry or annoyed by them. You CHOOSE to laugh or cry/get angry/upset about things.  Find the silver lining!

 

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Eternal doctrine that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work (2^nd ed).  New York, NY: Harmony books.   

Strengthening the Family: A Solemn Responsibility to Love and Care.  Ensign, 2005. https://www.lds.org/ensign/2005/07/strengthening-the-family-a-solemn-responsibility-to-love-and-care?lang=eng

Blog #8 – Beware of Pride

What is pride and how does it affect marriages?  President Benson says, “Most of think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness.  All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.  The central feature of pride is enmity-enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen.  Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.” (Beware of Pride, 1989).

Pride is very destructive, especially in relationships.  President Benson explained that pride is very competitive in nature and that it is because of pride that we “elevate ourselves against others and diminish them” (Beware of Pride, 1989).  Do you ever do this in your marriage, think you are better than your spouse and belittle them?  I have, too many times.  I am sad to admit that many times I have acted like I am better than my husband and have treated him poorly.  I have criticized him for doing things that annoy me or don’t meet my standards of how things should be done, instead of lifting him up.  After reading President Benson’s talk I realized that whenever I do this I am being proud and hurting my husband and our marriage. When I criticize or belittle my husband I am not being humble, meek, or submissive. 

Wallace Goddard taught a principle that can help me change.  He said, “In fact, any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent.  We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.”  I love this principle.  If I take this principle to heart and whenever I get irritated with my husband and use it as a time to stay calm, loving, and kind instead of criticizing my husband I will be on way to becoming more Christ like, more humble, kind, and loving.  My marriage will be blessed with more love and kindness.  For now on whenever I get irritated I will know it is a signal that I am being proud and that I need to refocus on improving myself and being humble. 

Goddard also said, “Appreciating is more powerful than correcting.  Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel.  Criticism is a slow leak in those tires.”  This is so true.  Criticism does no one any good.  It does not help people improve. Speaking words of encouragement, cheering each other on helps us grow and be better people.  Criticism does not.  Criticism only brings contention into our lives and comes from the proud, not the humble and meek.  Faultfinding is part of pride, which is destructive.

Another big part of being humble and having a happy harmonious marriage is to listen to each other and allowing both partners to have power in your marriage.  John Gottman said, “One study…did find that the happiest, most stable marriage in the long run were those in which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife” (2015, p.116).  In my marriage I am the one who needs to work on sharing the power more.  I am the oldest child and pretty bossy.  I make most the decisions and when I ask my husband I still have the final say.  I can definitely see how this does not strengthen our marriage.  I need to invite him into the decision making process much more.  I also need to go to him more than to my dad or others when making decisions.    

Ephesians 5:31 reads, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.”

God has commanded us to become one.  Part of becoming one requires husband and wife to share power in the marriage, to make decisions together as a partnership.  When both husband and wife are counseling together to make decisions they will make better decisions for their whole family and will grow closer together.  I truly believe that when we follow God’s counsel, and keep His commandments we will find true joy.  He knows best what will make us truly happy.  Therefore, if we cleave unto one another, listening whole-heartedly to each other, making decisions and working together in humility as husband and wife we will have true joy in our marriages. 

President Kimball taught that individuals involved in marriage are to “eliminate the ‘I’ and the ‘my’ and substitute therefore ‘we’ and ‘our.’” He then concluded: “Every decision must take into consideration that now two or more are affected by it.” Couples who understand and emphasize this mindset avoid selfishness and nurture a deepening unity that makes them one. In other words, they begin to experience what Christ meant when He said “they are no more twain, but one flesh” (Matt. 19:6)(Richardson, 2005).

True unity in marriage requires us to be humble, meek, and submissive.  Through our Savior, Jesus Christ we can achieve these qualities and have a unified marriage filled with peace, love, and joy. 

 

References

Richardson, Matthew O. (2005, April). Three Principles of Marriage.  Ensign

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Eternal doctrine that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work (2^nd ed).  New York, NY: Harmony books.