Week # 7: Turning Toward One Another

One of the greatest blessings of marriage is to always have someone by your side to laugh with and cry with; someone to stand by your side through the thick and the thin.   One of my favorite things about being married is to be able to call my husband, Mark when I need someone to talk to.  Just this week I had a day when my heart was really tender and missing our little boy who was stillborn almost 9 years ago.  These moments come out of nowhere, but usually a month or so before our little boy’s birthday, when my spirit unconsciously knows a very tender time of year is coming up. I feel like our little Zachary’s spirit is near this time of year.  The other day I was very emotional and needed love and support.  I called Mark at work.  He went somewhere where he could talk and listened to me while I cried to him and poured my heart out.  I felt supported and loved while Mark listened and offered loving words of support.  I usually get embarrassed when this happens and at the end try to laugh it off.  However, I always know Mark will be there for me and not judge me.  I am so grateful I have a loving, supportive husband who I can turn to whenever I need him and that he turns toward me.  

 “What’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting—they are attuning by turning toward each other.  Couples who do so are building trust.  Those who don’t are likely to lose their way”( Gottman, 2015, p.87).

I have found that when Mark and I turn toward each other in our every day lives we truly grow closer together as a couple.  When I called Mark, he was at work, but he still took the time to be there for me when I needed him.  We talked for about 15 minutes.  It wasn’t very long, but it was exactly what I needed and it brought Mark and I closer together. 

Gottman teaches that romance is, “kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.  In marriage, couples always, make what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support….  The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse of turning away.  A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life” (Gottman, 2015, p.88).

As couples we need to be there for each other.   Especially when our spouse turns towards us.  Even in the craziness of life we need to turn toward each other in all things, to be interested in our partner’s concern, interests, and nurture our fondness and admiration for each other.  Technology can be very distracting and keep us from connecting with our spouses.  Mark and I have talked about how our phones can keep us from being mindful of each other.  We have learned to ask each other to put our phones down when the other is talking to us and focus on what each other is saying. 

Another thing that helps Mark and I turn towards each other is keeping an eternal perspective.  We know that families are forever and that we are sealed as a couple for time and all eternity.  We both have many faults. We have had to forgive each other for many things. I truly believe what Goddard says, “that if we replace judgment and condemnation of each other with compassion and love, we not only find more peace, serenity, and tranquility but also become one smidgen more like God” (Goddard, 2009,p.58).  Marriage truly is “God’s finishing school, we should expect more afflictions or challenges in marriage than in any other arena of life” (Goddard, 2009, p. 37).  Marriage helps us become more like God.  The key to having a successful marriage is keeping an eternal perspective.  Goddard shares the following story:

“Brigham Young was once approached by two sisters, each of whom wanted a divorce.  I paraphrase his response: “If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him.”  He said the same thing to husbands who had “fallen out of love with their wives” (2009, p.59). 

I love this story.  I believe it is true with all my heart.   We will be so much better in heaven!  We are Gods and Goddesses in training.  Keeping the eternal perspective makes all the difference. 

Another thing that has helped my husband and I keep the eternal perspective is the knowledge that our little Zachary is waiting for us in heaven.  We talk about him and how much we want to make good choices so we can live with him in heaven.  A family tradition we do each year that helps us grow closer together and keep the eternal perspective is celebrating Zachary’s birthday.  We do something fun like go to Chuck E Cheese, watch a movie, or go bowling in his honor.  We talk about him.  We have cupcakes and then we release balloons to him in heaven.  This is a favorite family tradition that really draws us closer together and helps us remember the important things in life, the eternal perspective and our family.  

To wrap up my final thoughts it is important to remember, “being different doesn’t necessarily mean that one person is right and the other is wrong—or that one way is better than another. Unity in marriage requires a willingness to compromise, a commitment to make the relationship work, and a dependence on the Lord. Even though there may be differences of opinion, habit, or background, husbands and wives can have “their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another” (Mosiah 18:21)(Wells, 1987).

 Through the Lord we can make our marriages joyous unions as we truly turn our hearts towards one another relying on the Savior to heal us when we fall short.   

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Eternal doctrine that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work (2^nd ed).  New York, NY: Harmony books.   

Overcoming Those Differences of Opinion: A Formula for Finding Unity in Marriage, by Elder Robert E. Wells, Of the First Quorum of the Seventy, Ensign, Jan. 1987, 60–62.

Week # 6: Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

"It is said that during courtship we should keep our eyes wide open, but after marriage keep them half-shut. "

"Minimize the faults, commend virtues."  David O. McKay

Do you know anyone who is perfect?  I sure don’t.  None of us are perfect.  We all have personal weakness, bad habits, and annoying character traits.  Every marriage will face difficult times and every spouse will have moments where they pretty much can’t stand their spouse.

I love the following quote from Daniel Wile, a marriage therapist,  who argues that choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems. “Each potential relationship has its own particular set of inescapable recurring problems…. There is value, when choosing a long-term partner, in realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.  We can be mad and feel cheated because of those problems.  We can move to another relationship – which will inevitably have its own set of problems.  Or we can become experts in dealing with the particular challenges faced in our current relationship” (Goddard, 2009, p. 49).  My young women’s leader and a dear friend shared this with me right before I got married.  It is the best advice I was given. 

We all have positive traits too.  The trick is to overlooking the annoying habits or even bad habits and nurturing our fondness and admiration for our spouse. 

Dr. Gottman said, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.  Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at time by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.  They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their Sound relationship House intact and preventing betrayal.”

How do we nurture our fondness and admiration for our spouse?  The answer takes work and attention, but it is pretty simple.  We look for the good and ignore the bad.  Dr. Gottman says,” By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities-even as you grapple with each other’s flaws-you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.  The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.  It you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree.”

Look for the good in your spouse.  Pay attention to all the good things they do for you, especially the little things they do.  For example, yesterday was an awful afternoon for me. When my husband got home I was all shaky and just needed to be alone.  I asked him if he would put the kids to bed so I could have peace and quiet.  He got our other little boy ready for bed.  When our daughter got home from soccer he helped her study for math and tucked her in.  Then at 9 pm he went and got me Jack in the Box tacos even though he was tired.  I said to my daughter, “You need to marry someone like your daddy.  I am so lucky.  He loves me no matter what.  Even when I am tired and cranky he still loves me.  He does so much for me even when he is tired.  I love him so much and I know he loves me!”  She smiled super big.  I made sure my husband heard me bragging about him to our daughter too!

My husband is a great example of cherishing his spouse despite her weaknesses.  These simple everyday things my husband does for me make a big difference in our marriage. However, sometimes I overlook them when I am stressed or frustrated with other annoying things he does.  Dr. Gottman shared a study in his book about a research study that was done seeing how may positive interactions couples pick up on.  The researchers observed couples for one evening and counted the positive interactions. After the evening was over they asked all the couples how many positive interactions they picked up on.  The unhappily married couples only noticed half of the positive interactions because they were so used to tuning out their partners positive traits and only focusing on the bad.  We can learn from this that the good is there, but we need to look for it.  We need to focus on our spouse’s good qualities and overlook the bad ones instead of doing the opposite.  We all have negative traits, but we also all have positive traits.  If we look for the good in our spouses we will ignite the fire of love within us and have loving happy marriages.

Another way to keep the love alive is going on a weekly date night no matter what!  We also need to have fun with our spouse, which will help us stay in love with them and see them as our boyfriend or girlfriend too! My father in law always told his children, “got to keep the romance alive,” as he took his wife on a date. 

President Kimball said, "Second, there must be a great unselfishness, forgetting self and directing all of the family life and all pertaining thereunto to the good of the family, subjugating self.  Third, there must be continued courting and expressions of affection, kindness, and consideration to keep love alive and growing."
One of the best ways to nurture fondness and admiration is to serve one another.  Also keep courting each other with love and respect.  Treat each other as ladies and gentlemen would.  Express affection and be kind.  

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2009-04-030-lasting-marriage?lang=eng
Great video.  Nurture our marriages, don't let the storms in life destroy your love and admiration for each others good qualities. 

References

Kimball, S. W. (1976) Marriage and divorce. BYU Speeches. Retrieved from: https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/kimball-spencer-w_marriage-divorce/

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work (2^nd ed).  New York, NY: Harmony books.   

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Eternal doctrine that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap publishing.

Week # 5: Friendship is the key to happy marriages

                                              

What is true Love?  What makes deep everlasting marital relationships last? 

As I have posted previously my husband and I have faced some tough trials together.  As I continue learning and studying about marriage I have asked myself “How have Mark and I made it this far, still in love and enjoying being together, when so many couples divorce?” I think I have discovered the keys to having a successful marriage in spite of the challenges that come to all married couples.  First, it is because we both have steadfast and immovable faith in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  We trust in Him.  We believe in Him and that He can truly heal and save all of us.  I have learned how true President Benson’s following quote is, “Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."  Mark and I have been willing to pay the price. 

Another reason we have fought for each other is because we are friends first and lovers second.  I learned this week from reading John M. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, how important friendship is in marriage.  Through his studies of what make marriages last he has found the following:

“At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on friendship.  By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment for each other’s company.  These couples tend to know each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.  They have and abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out” (Gottman, 2015, p. 21). 

Mark and I were friends before we became romantically involved.  We talked on the phone for hours. We have kept this friendship in our marriage.  We still love to talk, play, and just hangout together.  We keep the positive in our marriage stronger than negative.  Dr. Gottman also taught that to have a healthy relationship the positive needs to be 5 to 1, meaning when a negative things occurs couples need to counter it with 5 positive things.  So if your marriage is struggling, go create some positive fun times together.  Go play together!  Forget about being lovers for a little while and become friends again! 

                            

Also, just last night Mark was a great example of how he embraces my needs above his own.  Life has been a little crazy and stressful lately.  This semester has been really hard for me and is kicking my butt.  Mark is a tax accountant and has been working crazy hours due to October 15 deadline and has not been home much.  Well, yesterday I was feeling really overwhelmed and stressed out.  Mark knew this so he came home early from work (5 pm, which is normal time for a normal job) to watch the boys so I could go grocery shopping without two tired, cranky, sick little boys.  When he got home he looked exhausted.  I asked him what time he had gone into work.  He mumbled 2:30 am!  I told him I could take the boys with me so he could sleep.  He insisted I go by myself and pick up a pizza on the way home for dinner!  That is true love!  He is my knight in shining armor!  When I got home I got the boys ready for bed so he could go laydown and then tucked in all my boys. 

Another key to friendship is to forgive one another's faults.  Goddard taught, "How vital mercy is in family life!...We forgive our partners for being human.  We forgive our children for being children.  Grace and mercy are at the heart of loving family life" (Goddard, 2009, p. 32).  Mark and I have found this principle to be the glue that keeps us together.  In order to remain friends and happily married we extend mercy and forgiveness towards one another.  Without forgiveness we would not be happily married.  

        

I also loved the following quote from Gottman:

“Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others.  But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones.  Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other’s needs.  When addressing a partner’s request their motto tends to be a helpful “Yes, and…” rather than “Yes, but…” This positive attitude not only allows them to maintain but also to increase the sense of romance, play, fun, adventure, and learning together that are at the heart of any long-lasting love affair” (Gottman, 2015, p.5). 

We need to look for the good in our spouses.  When we look for the good the negative traits shrink and the positive grows.  When we are unselfish and care more about our partner's needs and desires we are much happier than when we only think about ourselves.

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Eternal doctrine that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work (2^nd ed).  New York, NY: Harmony books.  

Kimball, S. W. (1976) Marriage and divorce. BYU Speeches. Retrieved from: https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/kimball-spencer-w_marriage-divorce/