Blog- W13- Cleave unto one another while creating healthy relationships with in-laws

“My In-laws are coming are coming to town!”  This statement can be a scary one for many.  However, it doesn’t have to be.  Instead it can be a joyful exclamation filled with lots of love.  However, a couple must first form a strong marriage, putting each other above all others and creating a solid marital identity.   I am a firm believer that if you really want to do something you can do it with faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ and hard work.  This concept definitely applies to developing a strong marriage and positive relationships with family members, including in-laws.

We must first be doing all we can to obey God’s commandment found in Genesis 2:24

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."    

The reason why we must first cleave unto our spouse is because when we keep this commandment we will be blessed and God will help us keep the commandment to honor our parents while cleaving unto our spouse. 

“The Oxford English Dictionary defines cleave as “to remain attached, devoted to, or faithful to,” and “to remain steadfast.”  Thus, in cleaving to spouses, newly married couples are to be devoted, faithful, and steadfast to their new companion” (Harper & Olsen, p. 327).

Marvin J. Ashton helps clarify how we should cleave unto our spouse, while still honoring our parents in the following quote.

“Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted.  They are still family, a great source of strength…. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement”(Harper & Olsen, p. 327).

How do we cleave unto our spouse and develop a strong marriage, but still remain loyal to our previous families and have good relationships with them?  I have come up with a list of things to help couples do this from the book, Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Chapter 37: Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families."

·      Cleave unto your spouse and develop a close relationship.  President Kimball counsels couples to

o   Confide in and counsel with spouse, not parents. 

o   If possible establish their household.

o   Both spouses should prayerfully consider outside counsel.

·      Put your spouse first.  Our marriages must come first and foremost.  Above our parents and our children. (I struggle with this one.  I need to be better at putting my husband above my children and mom).

o   President Kimball taught, referring to Genesis 2:24, “She, the woman, occupies the first place.  She is preeminent, even above the parents who are so dear to all of us.  Even the children must take their proper place.  I have seen some women who give their children that spot, that preeminence, in their affection and crowd out the father.  That is a serious mistake.”  (This applies to husbands as well).

·      Create a marital identity; “It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside an invisible fence.  They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside that fence-not with future children and certainly not with parents of parents-in-law” (Harper & Olsen, p.328).  (This is a big one I am working on being better about.  Due to some big issues in my marriage, that caused a separation 2 years ago, I have had to go to my parents for support, but now I am struggling with putting up my fence again.  However, I know how important this is and will continue to work at it until there are no more holes in our fence.)

·      Beware of triangulation: having a stronger relationship with parents than with your spouse.  Do not go to parents with problems.  Go to your spouse. 

·      Decide how much time you will spend with each of your families and when. Then let your parents know what you came up with, in a loving way, and explain that you love them very much, but your marriage and new little family must come first. (I was giving really good advice by my young women’s advisor.  She said, “We all only have a certain amount of time.  We must decide how we are going to spend it and with whom”).

·      Husband and wife must accept that they came from different homes and different ways of doing things.  Enjoy the differences. “Difference is something that can be anticipated and even looked forward to because of its potential for creating growth in family members (Harper & Olsen, p.330).”  This especially applies to dealing with in-laws too.  Accept the differences between you and them and enjoy them.  (I have really had to work on accepting differences with my mother-in-law and to love her and appreciate those differences).

·      Develop your own traditions. Together decide what traditions you want to keep or mix and match and come up with your own new family traditions.

·      Develop a close relationship with in-laws.

o   Accept differences.

o   Remember that your in-laws raised your spouse and you love him or her.

o   Use Prayer, fasting, and long-suffering to overcome big differences.

o   Be polite, dignified, and respectful at all family gatherings.

o   Call in-laws, got to lunch with them.  Try to develop a relationship with them. 

·      If there are problems with in-laws, approach them together.

I believe that if we follow this counsel we will be able to follow both of God’s commandments to cleave unto our spouses and honor our parents.  Both of which will bring us many blessings.

Spouse Comes First

Little Family Second

Then Extended Family

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Week 12: Keeping a strong marriage while raising children through sharing the power and counseling together.

Blog- Week 12: Keeping a strong marriage while raising children through sharing the power and counseling together. 

Mark and I say often that our children have brought us more joy than we could have ever imagined.  However, parenting has also been very difficult.  We have a 10-year-old daughter, followed by 2 little boys ages, 7 and 5.  Our daughter is very mellow and sweet.  She was the easiest toddler and child.  Parenting her has been pretty simple.  Then we got our blonde, blue eyed, little boy.  He is cute as can be and FULL of ENERGY!  He literally has kept us on our toes since he was 6 months old.  Just yesterday we had three men come over to home teach us from the stake and all three said multiple times, “Man where does that energy come from.” We would be rich if we got a dollar for every time someone said that to us.  My son is also such a fun, sweet, loving, little boy and we adore him.  However, he has helped us grow so much as parents and as people.  We have had to seek professional help in how to parent him.  Most importantly Mark and I have learned we have to work together in parenting him and all our children.  Our next little boy, our youngest is pretty easy too, but still an active little boy. 

           

Mark and I have learned many things on our journey together as husband and wife and as partners in parenting.

First, we know that the best things we can give our children are two parents who love and support each other.  In order to do that, we have to keep our marriage strong while raising our children.  Part of keeping our marriage strong while parenting is going on a weekly date night, nurturing our fondness and admiration for one another, and being there for each other as I have previously discussed.

Secondly, Dr. Gottman has found that 67 percent of wives’ marital satisfaction drops when they have a baby.  However, 33 percent of wives transition into parenthood unscathed.  His research shows that in order to transition to parenthood easily is simple.  The husband and wife, mother and father, need to enter parenthood completely together.  He gives the following advice to keep the marriage strong and parent together:

·      Focus on your marital friendship

·      Don’t exclude Dad from baby[child/teen] care

·      Let Dad be baby’s [child/teen] playmate

·      Carve out time for the two of you

·      Be sensitive to Dad’s need

·      Give mom a break (Gottma, 2015, p.218-22)

Mark and I have both been fully involved in raising our children since day one.  Like I said our children have brought us incredible joy.  We both love and adore our children and love to play with them.  However, we both watch out for when the other needs a break and try to support one another in our daily responsibilities and offer each other breaks when needed.

Lastly, parenting does have difficulties.  In order to face those difficulties and succeed as a couple and as a family, couples need to work through problems together.  Dr. Richard Miller taught, “Parents are leaders in the Family.”  However, they should not “be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial.”  They should guide and direct- set limits, to what children can and can’t do.  This is love.  Children also need a healthy dose of the vitamin N, NO.  He also taught that “parents must me united in their leadership.”   Parents need to work together, support one another, discus issues away from the children, love and respect each other, and hold each other in the highest esteem (2009).

Mark and I often talk about what we can do differently and better in parenting our children.  We want to begin implementing the following strategies from Elder Ballard’s talk, “Counseling with our Councils” to help us brainstorm ideas and come up with decisions in total harmony that will bless our marriage and family.

·      Meet weekly to talk about what is going on in our marriage, family, and life.  We will discuss what is going right, what is not, and what changes need to be made. 

·      Have an agenda that we have added to through out the week of what needs to be discussed

·      While counseling we need to

o   Seek to have the spirit lead and guide us

o   Listen to the point of view of the other and strive to create the proper climate.

o   Don’t interrupt one another.

o   Don’t push ideas- determine what is best for family

·      Begin with a prayer and invite the spirit to lead and guide us

·      Read, ponder, and consider each item on the agenda

·      Express our love and concern for each other

·      Each expresses our thoughts and feelings.  We each have total freedom to express ourselves.

·      Speak when moved upon by the spirit

·      Strive to feel manifestations of the spirit, which may necessitate a change of our own thoughts and feelings so we can be in harmony. 

·      Seek unity

·      Ask for recommendations

·      If there are any objections keep working together until we find harmony

·      Decisions should be made in harmony, unity, and faith with combined judgment of each member in harmony with the spirit.

Elder Ballard finished by saying, “I have seen differences in opinion presented in these deliberations…. But I have never observed serious discord or personal enmity among the brethren-but observed a beautiful and remarkable things-the coming together, under the directing influence of the Holy Spirit and under the power of revelation of divergent views until there is total harmony and full agreement.”

I know that if Mark and I follow the above formula for how the brethren counsel together to make important decisions we will grow closer together and our family will be immensely blessed.

M. Russell Ballard (1997) “Counseling With Your Councils.” Chapter 2

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work (2^nd ed).  New York, NY: Harmony books.   

Richard B. , “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

Week 11: Intimacy in Marriage is Beautiful and Sacred

I am so grateful to have grown up in a home where physical intimacy was not talked about in a negative way, but in a sacred and beautiful way.  I saw my parents be affectionate with each other and knew they were very comfortable with their sexuality just by how they acted toward one another and their own bodies.  My parents taught us to be careful and avoid steady dating until we were ready to marry because sex drives are strong when dating and you need to be ready and mature enough to protect those urges and save them for marriage.  They taught us that sexual intimacy is beautiful and wonderful when married.  I never saw sex as a bad thing.  I always looked forward to getting married and being able to have an intimate physical relationship with my husband. 

I was also able to talk to my parents about sexual things.  Soon after I became engaged to my husband I realized just how strong my natural desires for my husband were becoming.  John Taylor said, “Well, he [God] has planted, in accordance with this, a natural desire in women towards man, and in man towards women and a feeling of affection, regard, and sympathy exists between the sexes.”  This is definitely true.  However, I was not yet married and knew this desire was meant to be fully used in marriage.  I called my dad and told him that these desires were becoming really strong.  We had a great talk and my dad laid some ground rules for me to help me control those desires.  I am so grateful I was able to call my dad and talk to him about such personal things.  I know that talk helped my husband and I make it to the temple worthily. It also allowed us to have a fun, special, and beautiful physical relationship after we were married.

Later, the week before I got married my fiancé and I were talking to my mom in her room one afternoon.  We were all sitting on her bed discussing wedding plans and life.  Later, after my fiancé had left, my mom said to me something like, “Aren’t you so excited to be married and just lay together in bed and not have to be so careful anymore, but be free to love him with all your heart.  Sex is wonderful.”  At the time I did not know how lucky I was to have such an awesome mom who helped getting married and becoming one with my husband as God has commanded us to, to be such a fun, exciting, wonderful, and beautiful experience.  I never felt bad or uncomfortable not even on our wedding night.  Sex was guilt free for me as God intends it to e when married.  I knew the following to be true with all my heart:

 “Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, considerations of each other, and common purpose” (-Elder Richard G. Scott, Ensign, Nov. 1994, 38.)

I also love the following quote from Brent A. Barlow talking about how as a church we believe in Sexuality.

“We believe in it inasmuch as we know of the sorrow that comes from the inappropriate use of sexuality outside the realm of marriage. We are acutely aware of what the prophets, past and present, have warned in these matters. As Alma declared to his son Corianton, “Wickedness never was happiness.” (Alma 41:10).  But we also believe in the good that can be derived from the appropriate use of intimacy in marriage. We are well aware of the joy and unity that can come to a married couple when this particular dimension of the marital relationship is nurtured.”

I also know that sexual intimacy is very sacred and requires the utmost sensitivities between husband and wife.  They need to communicate to each other their feelings, fears, and apprehensions, what they like, what makes them feel loved and special.  What makes them feel uncomfortable or not special.  When couples talk about their sexual relationship it can become more sacred, beautiful, and special.  Not talking about it is where problems occur.  The following quotes are perfect for keeping physical intimacy sacred and special.

“Tenderness and respect–never selfishness–must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord”( President Howard W. Hunter, Ensign, Nov. 1994, 51)”

“Within marriage, however, the stimulations of those emotions can either be used as an end unto itself or to allow a couple to draw close in oneness through the beautiful, appropriate expression of these feelings between husband and wife. There are times, brethren, when you need to restrain you feelings. There are times when you need to allow their  full expression. Let the Lord guide you in ways that will enrich your marriage.”

-Richard G. Scott, “The Sanctity of Womanhood,” Ensign, May 2000, 37; emphasis added.

Lastly keep sexual intimacy sacred, beautiful, and pure.  Beware of pornography.  Keep it out of your marriage and your family.  If you or your spouse struggle with it get help.  Don’t give up, but seek help!  Begin by attending the church’s Pornography, Addiction Recovery Program, for the addict and the spouse, talk with your bishop, reach out to support groups locally, over the phone, Skype et cetera.  There are many people who struggle and deal with this.  You are not alone.  I believe with all my heart in the Healing and strengthening power of the Atonement.  There is nothing that is too powerful or strong that we cannot overcome through the power of the Atonement and our Savior’s unconditional love for us.

“Be faithful in your marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed….Pornography, flirtations, and unwholesome fantasies erode one’s character and strike at the foundation of a happy marriage.  Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed”( President Howard W. Hunter, Conference Report, Oct 1994

Blog – L11- Intimacy in marriage is beautiful and sacred

Barlow, B. A. "They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on intimacy in marriage,": Thoughts on intimacy in marriage", Ensign, Sept 1986, 49.

Faml 300-Quotes-Phy Intimacy.ppt The following slides in PowerPoint provide prophetic counsel on physical intimacy in marriage.