Week # 5: Friendship is the key to happy marriages

                                              

What is true Love?  What makes deep everlasting marital relationships last? 

As I have posted previously my husband and I have faced some tough trials together.  As I continue learning and studying about marriage I have asked myself “How have Mark and I made it this far, still in love and enjoying being together, when so many couples divorce?” I think I have discovered the keys to having a successful marriage in spite of the challenges that come to all married couples.  First, it is because we both have steadfast and immovable faith in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  We trust in Him.  We believe in Him and that He can truly heal and save all of us.  I have learned how true President Benson’s following quote is, “Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price."  Mark and I have been willing to pay the price. 

Another reason we have fought for each other is because we are friends first and lovers second.  I learned this week from reading John M. Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, how important friendship is in marriage.  Through his studies of what make marriages last he has found the following:

“At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on friendship.  By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment for each other’s company.  These couples tend to know each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams.  They have and abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out” (Gottman, 2015, p. 21). 

Mark and I were friends before we became romantically involved.  We talked on the phone for hours. We have kept this friendship in our marriage.  We still love to talk, play, and just hangout together.  We keep the positive in our marriage stronger than negative.  Dr. Gottman also taught that to have a healthy relationship the positive needs to be 5 to 1, meaning when a negative things occurs couples need to counter it with 5 positive things.  So if your marriage is struggling, go create some positive fun times together.  Go play together!  Forget about being lovers for a little while and become friends again! 

                            

Also, just last night Mark was a great example of how he embraces my needs above his own.  Life has been a little crazy and stressful lately.  This semester has been really hard for me and is kicking my butt.  Mark is a tax accountant and has been working crazy hours due to October 15 deadline and has not been home much.  Well, yesterday I was feeling really overwhelmed and stressed out.  Mark knew this so he came home early from work (5 pm, which is normal time for a normal job) to watch the boys so I could go grocery shopping without two tired, cranky, sick little boys.  When he got home he looked exhausted.  I asked him what time he had gone into work.  He mumbled 2:30 am!  I told him I could take the boys with me so he could sleep.  He insisted I go by myself and pick up a pizza on the way home for dinner!  That is true love!  He is my knight in shining armor!  When I got home I got the boys ready for bed so he could go laydown and then tucked in all my boys. 

Another key to friendship is to forgive one another's faults.  Goddard taught, "How vital mercy is in family life!...We forgive our partners for being human.  We forgive our children for being children.  Grace and mercy are at the heart of loving family life" (Goddard, 2009, p. 32).  Mark and I have found this principle to be the glue that keeps us together.  In order to remain friends and happily married we extend mercy and forgiveness towards one another.  Without forgiveness we would not be happily married.  

        

I also loved the following quote from Gottman:

“Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others.  But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones.  Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance, they embrace each other’s needs.  When addressing a partner’s request their motto tends to be a helpful “Yes, and…” rather than “Yes, but…” This positive attitude not only allows them to maintain but also to increase the sense of romance, play, fun, adventure, and learning together that are at the heart of any long-lasting love affair” (Gottman, 2015, p.5). 

We need to look for the good in our spouses.  When we look for the good the negative traits shrink and the positive grows.  When we are unselfish and care more about our partner's needs and desires we are much happier than when we only think about ourselves.

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Eternal doctrine that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work (2^nd ed).  New York, NY: Harmony books.  

Kimball, S. W. (1976) Marriage and divorce. BYU Speeches. Retrieved from: https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/kimball-spencer-w_marriage-divorce/