Week # 7: Turning Toward One Another

One of the greatest blessings of marriage is to always have someone by your side to laugh with and cry with; someone to stand by your side through the thick and the thin.   One of my favorite things about being married is to be able to call my husband, Mark when I need someone to talk to.  Just this week I had a day when my heart was really tender and missing our little boy who was stillborn almost 9 years ago.  These moments come out of nowhere, but usually a month or so before our little boy’s birthday, when my spirit unconsciously knows a very tender time of year is coming up. I feel like our little Zachary’s spirit is near this time of year.  The other day I was very emotional and needed love and support.  I called Mark at work.  He went somewhere where he could talk and listened to me while I cried to him and poured my heart out.  I felt supported and loved while Mark listened and offered loving words of support.  I usually get embarrassed when this happens and at the end try to laugh it off.  However, I always know Mark will be there for me and not judge me.  I am so grateful I have a loving, supportive husband who I can turn to whenever I need him and that he turns toward me.  

 “What’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting—they are attuning by turning toward each other.  Couples who do so are building trust.  Those who don’t are likely to lose their way”( Gottman, 2015, p.87).

I have found that when Mark and I turn toward each other in our every day lives we truly grow closer together as a couple.  When I called Mark, he was at work, but he still took the time to be there for me when I needed him.  We talked for about 15 minutes.  It wasn’t very long, but it was exactly what I needed and it brought Mark and I closer together. 

Gottman teaches that romance is, “kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.  In marriage, couples always, make what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support….  The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse of turning away.  A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life” (Gottman, 2015, p.88).

As couples we need to be there for each other.   Especially when our spouse turns towards us.  Even in the craziness of life we need to turn toward each other in all things, to be interested in our partner’s concern, interests, and nurture our fondness and admiration for each other.  Technology can be very distracting and keep us from connecting with our spouses.  Mark and I have talked about how our phones can keep us from being mindful of each other.  We have learned to ask each other to put our phones down when the other is talking to us and focus on what each other is saying. 

Another thing that helps Mark and I turn towards each other is keeping an eternal perspective.  We know that families are forever and that we are sealed as a couple for time and all eternity.  We both have many faults. We have had to forgive each other for many things. I truly believe what Goddard says, “that if we replace judgment and condemnation of each other with compassion and love, we not only find more peace, serenity, and tranquility but also become one smidgen more like God” (Goddard, 2009,p.58).  Marriage truly is “God’s finishing school, we should expect more afflictions or challenges in marriage than in any other arena of life” (Goddard, 2009, p. 37).  Marriage helps us become more like God.  The key to having a successful marriage is keeping an eternal perspective.  Goddard shares the following story:

“Brigham Young was once approached by two sisters, each of whom wanted a divorce.  I paraphrase his response: “If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him.”  He said the same thing to husbands who had “fallen out of love with their wives” (2009, p.59). 

I love this story.  I believe it is true with all my heart.   We will be so much better in heaven!  We are Gods and Goddesses in training.  Keeping the eternal perspective makes all the difference. 

Another thing that has helped my husband and I keep the eternal perspective is the knowledge that our little Zachary is waiting for us in heaven.  We talk about him and how much we want to make good choices so we can live with him in heaven.  A family tradition we do each year that helps us grow closer together and keep the eternal perspective is celebrating Zachary’s birthday.  We do something fun like go to Chuck E Cheese, watch a movie, or go bowling in his honor.  We talk about him.  We have cupcakes and then we release balloons to him in heaven.  This is a favorite family tradition that really draws us closer together and helps us remember the important things in life, the eternal perspective and our family.  

To wrap up my final thoughts it is important to remember, “being different doesn’t necessarily mean that one person is right and the other is wrong—or that one way is better than another. Unity in marriage requires a willingness to compromise, a commitment to make the relationship work, and a dependence on the Lord. Even though there may be differences of opinion, habit, or background, husbands and wives can have “their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another” (Mosiah 18:21)(Wells, 1987).

 Through the Lord we can make our marriages joyous unions as we truly turn our hearts towards one another relying on the Savior to heal us when we fall short.   

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Eternal doctrine that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work (2^nd ed).  New York, NY: Harmony books.   

Overcoming Those Differences of Opinion: A Formula for Finding Unity in Marriage, by Elder Robert E. Wells, Of the First Quorum of the Seventy, Ensign, Jan. 1987, 60–62.