Week # 6: Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

"It is said that during courtship we should keep our eyes wide open, but after marriage keep them half-shut. "

"Minimize the faults, commend virtues."  David O. McKay

Do you know anyone who is perfect?  I sure don’t.  None of us are perfect.  We all have personal weakness, bad habits, and annoying character traits.  Every marriage will face difficult times and every spouse will have moments where they pretty much can’t stand their spouse.

I love the following quote from Daniel Wile, a marriage therapist,  who argues that choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems. “Each potential relationship has its own particular set of inescapable recurring problems…. There is value, when choosing a long-term partner, in realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.  We can be mad and feel cheated because of those problems.  We can move to another relationship – which will inevitably have its own set of problems.  Or we can become experts in dealing with the particular challenges faced in our current relationship” (Goddard, 2009, p. 49).  My young women’s leader and a dear friend shared this with me right before I got married.  It is the best advice I was given. 

We all have positive traits too.  The trick is to overlooking the annoying habits or even bad habits and nurturing our fondness and admiration for our spouse. 

Dr. Gottman said, “Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.  Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at time by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.  They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their Sound relationship House intact and preventing betrayal.”

How do we nurture our fondness and admiration for our spouse?  The answer takes work and attention, but it is pretty simple.  We look for the good and ignore the bad.  Dr. Gottman says,” By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities-even as you grapple with each other’s flaws-you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.  The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.  It you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree.”

Look for the good in your spouse.  Pay attention to all the good things they do for you, especially the little things they do.  For example, yesterday was an awful afternoon for me. When my husband got home I was all shaky and just needed to be alone.  I asked him if he would put the kids to bed so I could have peace and quiet.  He got our other little boy ready for bed.  When our daughter got home from soccer he helped her study for math and tucked her in.  Then at 9 pm he went and got me Jack in the Box tacos even though he was tired.  I said to my daughter, “You need to marry someone like your daddy.  I am so lucky.  He loves me no matter what.  Even when I am tired and cranky he still loves me.  He does so much for me even when he is tired.  I love him so much and I know he loves me!”  She smiled super big.  I made sure my husband heard me bragging about him to our daughter too!

My husband is a great example of cherishing his spouse despite her weaknesses.  These simple everyday things my husband does for me make a big difference in our marriage. However, sometimes I overlook them when I am stressed or frustrated with other annoying things he does.  Dr. Gottman shared a study in his book about a research study that was done seeing how may positive interactions couples pick up on.  The researchers observed couples for one evening and counted the positive interactions. After the evening was over they asked all the couples how many positive interactions they picked up on.  The unhappily married couples only noticed half of the positive interactions because they were so used to tuning out their partners positive traits and only focusing on the bad.  We can learn from this that the good is there, but we need to look for it.  We need to focus on our spouse’s good qualities and overlook the bad ones instead of doing the opposite.  We all have negative traits, but we also all have positive traits.  If we look for the good in our spouses we will ignite the fire of love within us and have loving happy marriages.

Another way to keep the love alive is going on a weekly date night no matter what!  We also need to have fun with our spouse, which will help us stay in love with them and see them as our boyfriend or girlfriend too! My father in law always told his children, “got to keep the romance alive,” as he took his wife on a date. 

President Kimball said, "Second, there must be a great unselfishness, forgetting self and directing all of the family life and all pertaining thereunto to the good of the family, subjugating self.  Third, there must be continued courting and expressions of affection, kindness, and consideration to keep love alive and growing."
One of the best ways to nurture fondness and admiration is to serve one another.  Also keep courting each other with love and respect.  Treat each other as ladies and gentlemen would.  Express affection and be kind.  

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2009-04-030-lasting-marriage?lang=eng
Great video.  Nurture our marriages, don't let the storms in life destroy your love and admiration for each others good qualities. 

References

Kimball, S. W. (1976) Marriage and divorce. BYU Speeches. Retrieved from: https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/kimball-spencer-w_marriage-divorce/

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work (2^nd ed).  New York, NY: Harmony books.   

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Eternal doctrine that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap publishing.