Blog – W9: Overcoming problems in Marriage through Consecration, Forgiveness and humor.

Marriage is one of the greatest ways to become more like our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He gave everything for us with no thought about what He would get in return.  We can follow His example in our marriages.  Goddard taught, “Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve” (2009, p. 110).  Most partners today worry too much about what their spouse is or isn’t doing for them instead of being anxiously engaged for the comfort and well being of their spouse. 
President Hinckley taught, “I have long felt that happiness in marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.  That involves a willingness to overlook weaknesses and mistakes”(Ensign, 2005).  

Every marriage faces difficulties because we are human and have annoying faults and weaknesses.  For example, I struggle with losing my patience.  I need to be much better at keeping my cool.  This week I read an amazing article titled, “Agency and Anger,” by Elder Lynn G. Robbins Of the Seventy.  In the article he explained that we choose to be angry or not.  He said people try to separate anger from agency, but that is wrong.  We always have a choice to become angry or not. 

“Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives. We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: “I will never become angry again”(Elder Robbins).

This statement was really eye opening for me and humbling.  I will be taking my agency back and controlling my anger for my families sake and for myself.  Marriage requires us to become better people.  I am grateful I have a forgiving husband who overlooks my weaknesses and loves me unconditionally. 

One of the best ways I can give everything to my marriage is to overcome my petty perfectionistic ways that makes me demand a lot out of my husband.  Instead, I can focus on loving him unconditionally, serving him, and overcoming my struggle with anger.  This will be really hard for me. 

However, Goddard’s following quote was perfect for me.  He said, “Rather than carefully tracking every investment in our marriage, we give gladly and wholeheartedly.  We give everything we have and are.  And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more” (2009, p. 107).  I love this.  I believe with all my heart that God can and will increase my capacity to do better than I am and help me be able to give more, but I have to ask for His help and work towards it.  

Another really important part of having a happy marriage is practicing the principle of forgiveness.  Gottman said, “For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments.  This can be hard to do, but it is well worth it.  When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit” (2015, p. 159).  I know this is true.  Marriage cannot last without forgiveness, but when both partners practice daily forgiveness marriage can and will thrive.  Through our Savior we can be healed from all wrongs against us and find the ability to forgive, which will fill us with peace, love, and true joy.  My marriage is a powerful example that this principle is true. 

“Research found that 86 percent of those who reported being unhappy in their marriages, but who did not divorce, five years later described their marriage as either “very happy” or “quite happy” (Goddard, 2009, p. 108).  The power of forgiveness!

Lastly a key component to dealing with differences and problems in our marriages is to deal with our problems with humor.  Regarding happily married couples Gottman said, “Through the course of their marriage, they had learned to view their partner’s shortcomings and oddities as amusing parts of the whole package” (2015, p. 158).  Try to find humor in some of the annoying things your spouse does.  You and your spouse will be much happier if you can laugh about things instead of getting angry or annoyed by them. You CHOOSE to laugh or cry/get angry/upset about things.  Find the silver lining!

 

Goddard, H. W. (2009) Drawing heaven into your marriage. Eternal doctrine that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The Seven principles for making marriage work (2^nd ed).  New York, NY: Harmony books.   

Strengthening the Family: A Solemn Responsibility to Love and Care.  Ensign, 2005. https://www.lds.org/ensign/2005/07/strengthening-the-family-a-solemn-responsibility-to-love-and-care?lang=eng